Hoping to get some advice from some folks who have experience with this, I never would have thought I’d be in a situation like this. I am about 30ish years old my wife is a little older. Have been happily married for about 5 years and have a 2 year old a very challenging 2 year old. I have a good job but hours all over the place, only work 40 per week but feels like more with a mix of 12’s and 8’s nights, days and evenings. Wife works between 12 and 24 hours/ week. No family in town to help. She has been feeling bored and lonely lately. I have been doing the best I can sleeping only 3 hours per night helping with our child, cleaning the house. Had some family come up and visit offered to watch our child while I worked and she was finally able to get away and have some social time/ adult interaction with her coworkers and ended up f$#(%ing up. Tried like hell to cover it up but after being presented with evidence by myself admitted to talking a lot to a coworker over the past couple weeks and slept with him that night. What the hell do I do now? She says she has been struggling with depression and has been thinking about killing herself prior to this? A huge part of me wants to walk, but I can’t stop thinking about the lack of control I will have of the people that could come in and out of my daughters life. Sorry to turn this into a soap opera fellas but I’m lost and don’t have a lot of people to turn to
forgot to mention that there is a plan at work and have an appt. with a provided marriage councilor tomorrow. she says she will do anything to work it out I don’t know if I can recover from this. Hoping for some Insight
you joined this website today just to ask for help on a possible suicide? man, you need to check your priorities and get you both some help…suicide is no joke, so stop playing…
800-273-8255 is the national suicide hotline…call it now…
The Morris Island Lighthouse www.savethelight.org
quote:
Originally posted by Bonzo72you joined this website today just to ask for help on a possible suicide? man, you need to check your priorities and get you both some help…suicide is no joke, so stop playing…
800-273-8255 is the national suicide hotline…call it now…The Morris Island Lighthouse www.savethelight.org
X2!! Call the number today!!
“Kleenex, The Official Sponsor of Fishb8”
First, I’m sorry you are going through this. What your wife did was wrong. There are so many things that you need to do, but I’m going to try to break it down into three areas, in the order of importance: spiritual, mental, physical.
Spiritual: It will probably take a very long time, but you are going to have to forgive your wife regardless of whether the marriage survives or not. This is for your benefit, not hers. If you are not affiliated with a local church, please find one this week. Call and explain your situation in detail and ask for help. Get your wife to go with you if you can. If she won’t go, go alone. Go and meet with a pastor face-to-face. If you are affiliated with a local church already, go there and let them help you and your family. Pray like you’ve never prayed before. If you need help with this, PM me. I can help you and I can also tell you of other guys on this forum that live closer to you that will be willing to help you as well.
Mental: You both need counseling to work through this. Many churches will have counseling available, but not all of them. Also check with your benefits manager at work and see if counseling is covered. It really helps to talk this through with a professional. Don’t go to 1 or 2 sessions and quit. Stick with it.
Physical: For goodness sake, you need to get more sleep. Try to get at least 6 hours per night. Eight is better, but if you are getting 3 hours per night, your mind and body are suffering. Also, start finding out how to protect yourself legally in the event a divorce becomes inevitable. I am not recommending a divorce; I’m just saying that IF a divorce happens you need to know how to protect yourself legally.
This is not a time to “man up” and figure things out for yourself. This is a time to reach out to God, and to ask for help from professionals, not your buddies at work or your friends from high school. Good luck. I will be praying for you. The next few months and years are going to be very tough, but you and your marria
quote:
Originally posted by yellowblackdogforgot to mention that there is a plan at work and have an appt. with a provided marriage councilor tomorrow. she says she will do anything to work it out I don’t know if I can recover from this. Hoping for some Insight
Good plan.
If you’re lucky enough to be fishing, you’re lucky enough.
Bonzo sure did register last night I’ve been around awhile but have a good fair amount of embarrassment you’ll have to excuse me for using a throwaway name. Saw a Dr. Today already had suicide number. Thanks surf appreciate your advise
I can’t speak for you, but I’d move on. No way would I stay with a Wife that cheated on me. Life is short, no need spending it with a woman you will never let yourself trust.
She will do it again.
I can’t speak for everyone but I can for the couples I know. My parents even tried for years but it ate at them and they eventually had to split… it rarely works out. Square up with god then square up with yourself and the rest of life will fall into place.
It is a long road ahead but a good one. Good luck and god bless.
-Albemarle 248xf “Chella”
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“Giving up is permanent solution, to a temporary problem”. I’ve been there it not fun, thank GOD I didn’t have children. You need to seek the advice as SurfFishLife gave you. There is a reason this happened, and you need to dig down deep ,and ask yourself what could I have done different. Not that I am blaming you, but there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives.
Church ain’t got nothing to do with this and the church ain’t gonna help you get through this. What your wife did is irresponsible and a slap in your face. The problem now is that you are taking it upon yourself to carry her burden. It’s what good dads/husbands do. Stop doing that. The old saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is definitely worth listening to tho. Do not just stay together because of the child.
There really is only one way that this is going to play out and it’s this simple. You will end up forgiving her, but you will be full of guilt and you will never forgive yourself for letting her off so easily. You have to ask yourself is that a life that you are willing to live.
As for the suicide part, definitely help her get help. It could just be a cry for attention, but this subject is never worth taking lightly.
First of all, take all of these opinions with a grain of salt… Only YOU know YOU… If you think you can live with that for the rest of your life, then work it out… IF you think that her cheating will eat you up on the inside for the rest of your life, then you already know what you need to do. None of us know you or your wife, so we can’t predict the future. That being said, I don’t buy the excuse that she cheated her first night out because she was “lonely”. That’s just an excuse. Chances are, she was already considering it because of her own selfish desires. Do NOT let her make you feel like it is your fault. Sounds like she is trying to manipulate you to turn the spotlight off of her. I’ve known a few girls like that and the one thing I can tell you is that they NEVER change.
As far as suicide, I guess I have never really felt that desperate, but just judging by the fact that she is not thinking about the kid in that situation goes back to her selfishness. I’m sorry if my words sound harsh, but a mother needs to think about her kids first. If she is thinking about popping herself and leaving young children to fend for themselves in this world, then she isn’t much of a mother or she has mental illness anyway. I personally would remind her that she has children, and if she took the “easy” way out, she is leaving her kids in a horrible place and I would flat out tell her that “No mother that loves their children would do that”. I would encourage her to get on a prescription for anti-depressants or something. Although EVERY suicide threat should be taken seriously, she might be just playing the suicide card to buy sympathy from you. Be warned though, I know of at least 2 women that threatened suicide to their husbands, and they ended up doing it.
Anyway, typically I have found that guys in this situation already know what to do, but whatever that route is, is a tough road…
Found out my first wife cheated on me. Soon as I had proof…I was done. I am loyal and will not accept someone who is not loyal back. We had a child together , too. Do not be miserable the rest of your life. Not sure if the suicide thing is for real or just a ploy to mindfukkk you into feeling sorry for her. Once a cheater…always a cheater and normally will cheat , again. Biblical reference is divorce is allowed over adultery. Not sure if that matters to you.
Key West 1720 115 HP Johnson Saltwater.
I’m confused. You work 40 hrs per week, she works at max 24, you have a 2-year-old. I know children are time-consuming, I have one almost that age, but what in the world are you doing with the rest of your time if you’re only sleeping 3 hours a night?
From someone that has walked closely in your shoes, move on. Take care of your child to the best of your abilities is the #1 priority. My ex and I never had a child thank God but I’ve dealt with the depression, bipolar, halfway &@&$zo mental crap. Feel free to PM but I’m not airing the details on here.
Mark
Pioneer 222 Sportfish Yamaha F300
Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal? I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
“Life’s tough…It’s even tougher if you’re stupid” John Wayne
People can change. Many don’t, but they can. This woman’s attitude and level of remorse for her poor choices should determine yellowblackdog’s decisions regarding divorce. Cheating is very bad but it is not an unforgivable sin.
Yellowblackdog, if she says she will do anything to make it right, then I’d be very specific with her about what I expected from her to “make it right”. She needs to know that if you decide to let her stay in your life, that it will take years to rebuild trust. This is one of those situations where the wound will eventually heal but the scar will be around forever. Please don’t try to go through this without the help of your local church, regardless of your ultimate decision. Most people will probably tell you to leave her, but that is not your only option.
For everyone else, either spouse going out for “adult time” (drinking, dancing, etc.) without the other spouse is asking for trouble. Almost no one leaves the house with the intention of having an affair, but one small poor decision leads to another small poor decision, add alcohol and before you know it things are out of control. It is wise to have guardrails built into your marriage to avoid trainwrecks like the one that happened here. “It’s just a few drinks”; “It’s just dancing”…no it’s rolling the dice with your marriage. My wife and I won’t even go to lunch with a member of the opposite sex unless a third person goes along. (I’ve broken this rule three times in ten years in a business situation but I always call my wife to tell her what’s going on.) I’d rather be called extreme and/or weird than to be called “divorced again”.
If you’re lucky enough to be fishing, you’re lucky enough.
My guess if you think you have it fixed,its not…Thinking someone is going to be faithful is a hell of alot different than knowing…
I’m just an old fart but that’s my opinion.
It is pretty disheartening to see so many people say to just give up right off the bat. Nobody knows this situation better than yellowblackdog. My advice would be to take a long look at yourself and take some time to really think about everything that has happened from the beginning, even before you were married. We often get caught up in the rat race of society and make decisions along the way WITHOUT thinking them through. The first thing you mentioned and i noticed was work schedules and her telling you that she was bored and lonely. That is a BIG red flag from her actually telling you how she was feeling. Many spouses do not even give that flag before making a bad decision. Only you know her well enough to make a call. Is this out of character for her, meaning how did she act when you met her? Did you totally neglect her before this happened. People will say BS to that, but marriage IS a two way street and attention and love to one another is a responsibility of BOTH. IMO, neglecting this responsibility is as bad as as straying, if the straying is due to filling that void. That is where I am going with thinking of everything that happened leading up to this. If that was the case, then it is can be forgiven if BOTH of you actually discuss everything truthfully about how you felt and understand what and why things happened. IMO, this is the woman that you chose to marry and have kids with. If you truly love her, then she is WORTH fighting for. You have to decide if you WANT her and she has to decide if she WANTS you. If the answer is yes on both accounts, then talk about it and make sure you are both doing what is needed to make that marriage strong and healthy (it didn’t sound healthy, btw). You CAN bounce back from this and it CAN be better than it was before, but it takes effort, which is something that obviously many are not willing to put forth anymore. Another thing is getting right with the Lord. I don’t know you and your background and that is your decision, but I can tell you that it c
Good post, RWL.
I’m not qualified to offer advice, but if you love each other I would try to work it out. Kids need 2 parents. But they don’t need to live in an unhappy home either.
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