COLUMBIA, SC — South Carolina star defensive lineman Jadeveon Clowney held a press conference to admit to fabricating the existence of Clemson University starting quarterback Tajh Boyd for the purpose of garnering media attention and award consideration.
“I first came up with the idea my freshman year of high school,” said a visibly shaken Clowney, flanked by University of South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier and athletic director Ray Tanner. “People were already sayin’ I was gonna be the number one recruit and my expectations would be higher than any player in recent history. I panicked, and hatched the plan. It was a mistake, and I regret it.”
Clowney then paused to collect himself while Tanner patted the back of the 6’5" All-American.
“While I am confident in my abilities,” continued Clowney, “I knew that creating Tajh would go a long way in establishing myself as an elite defender with multiple highlight reel plays.”
To accomplish this, Clowney enlisted a team of covert operatives working within every major network and college football news outlet. Additionally, he hired a Hampton, VA-area actor by the name of Ted Slattery, 42, to pose as sought-after high school propsect Tajh Boyd. Slattery has no official film or television credits.
Pressed for comment, Clemson University head coach Dabo Swinney appeared dismayed. “I remember visiting Tajh at home when I was recruiting him,” Swinney said. “He had, like, three kids. I asked if his son was home, and he said ‘Oh, no, I’m Tajh.’ So that raised my eyebrows. But he said he was all in, so what was I gonna do?”
Clowney’s ruse extended to Swinney’s homebase, the campus of the upstate South Carolina college. “I also installed a team at Clemson University to complement the hoax,” said Clowney. “They worked in collusion with my teams at CBS, ABC, ESPN, and FOX Sports to make sure everyone was on the same page.”
A